Saturday, July 11, 2009

Countless tears and I'm drowned !!!

Broken, depressed and lost. Unsatisfied with everything and myself, deceived with my love and seized in endless fear....I shed these tears and they too get evaporated leaving me alone with my loneliness.

I'm all bitter; filled with anger, jealousy and hatred; tired of my own duplicity and wearing the mask of a playful smile. I feel haunted. I feel no sense, no time, no pithy. I just cry and cry and cry out aloud; until I feel every stone of my heart shaken. I see my surroundings and cry out aloud. I find no light, no life around me. I wait for the rain to hide my tears. I stretch my hands with eyes full of expectations. But rain show two drops and go away at a distance again. I feel like that too is laughing on me; it feels pity; tells me to look upon myself; and again burst into laughter. It taunts me, 'Oh! You are the great mahatma who wants to replace my job! Good! Good! Keep trying!' And I burst once again into tears.

I tell God, why you gave me all this. And he merely replies, 'That's all you'd ask for!' i feel helpless. I want to go to my chums, but they're all filled with sympathy; and just and only sympathy. And I find no shoulder to cry upon. I'm very angry with myself. I'm irritated and frustrated. So, I make mistakes; I make sins. I show hatred to everyone. I sweep the smile away. I see everyone with same dark spectacles; and no one ever looks fair to me.

I feel grudge. I feel regret for everything I did and did not. Why did not I understand that earlier? Why did not I say it earlier? Why did not I do it earlier? Why was I so...??? And it goes on forever like this. I feel pity. I feel loneliness. Then, all the fear come and start eating me up. What if this all never stop? What if I never talk to them again? What if they never remember me? What if they never listen listen to me? What if they discard me for everything? What if I never find love? What if I never find peace??? And I keep fighting with my fears and myself...!

I'm still fighting... but I know I'm not gonna always!
Let God's judgement win again...!!!